Mental Switch

Have you ever felt like you would really like to have a switch in your brain to turn certain automatic responses or feelings off?

I wish I could turn off the paranoia of being watched or judged. I try to tell myself that I don't care what people think. I try to tell myself people aren't thinking what I believe they are thinking. When I'm somewhere with Darin and he has a meltdown, I wish I could turn off the part of me that is worried about what people are thinking. When I see Darin's fingernails are getting long and jagged and dirty, I wish I could turn off the part of my brain that worries about what his teachers must think of his mother. If I could turn off that part of my brain, I might have been able to delay the struggle of last night. I wouldn't have had my son in a vice grip to clip his fingernails. I might have waited for a time when he would be willing to have it done.

If I had mental switches, I could turn off the part of my brain that was frustrated by Darin's behavior. I could have turned off the part of my brain that cared what Darin's fingernails looked like. I could have turned off the pain from the cramping in my hand from attempting to hold Darin's hand still so I wouldn't clip something I shouldn't.

If I had mental switches, I could turn off the part of my brain that wonders what it is like to have a child who understands the needs for basic grooming like haircuts and fingernail trimmings. A child who understands that sometimes it isn't fun to get clean, but it has to happen. A child who won't scream and struggle while his mom attempts to perform these basic grooming needs.