Vacationing with a child with Autism has its ups and downs. One nice thing is by being in a different environment, he tends to not be as rigid in his routines. Since he is not in his familiar environment, he can think that things may not be the same. But this can also be a strain when you need him to do something he normally does, such as going to bed. Another bonus about vacationing with a child with Austism is the ability to introduce him to new experiences. He can see people he hasn't seen in awhile, make new friends, see new things. Our kids got to feed the ducks near my aunt's home last weekend. After that, each time we drove past the ducks, he said hello and goodbye. Nobody said my son's new friends had to be human.
But just as it is with any vacation, coming home can be exhausting. And when my son gets exhausted, he becomes more difficult. It is times like this when I wish he could tell me what he is feeling. If he could just simply say, "Mom, I just don't want to do anything," then at least I could explain to him that he's exhausted from the trip like the rest of us, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't do what we need to do.
And while I know it will get better as he gains more social understanding, taking him anywhere can be exhausting, whether it be on a vacation or to the store or to Grandma's house for dinner. There is such a pressure to be ultra-aware of what he's doing or where he is - especially when he is around other children. And this pressure may just be of my own making, but that knowledge doesn't make it go away. I still want to try to be there to keep my son from hitting another child who doesn't understand when he doesn't want to play or when my son doesn't understand sharing doesn't mean taking something away the moment you want it. At my home, when I get frustrated with my son and his behavior, I can put him in his room where he can have his royal fit. When I'm not at home, I don't really have that option. I may have a room to put him in, but it isn't the same as putting him in his room at home. At home, I know there is nothing he can get into. The worst he can do is take the sheets off the bed. In other places we go, there aren't rooms that empty. I may be able to shut him away so he can calm down on his own, but I have to worry about what he might get into.
So, we don't really get out that much. I know we should be exposing our son to more people so he understands he needs to obey more people than just his parents. I know both myself and my husband need the break from the life of raising an autistic child. I know all of this. It doesn't change the circumstances of how responsible I feel for his upbringing (which may be amplified by my own feelings of not being home to help take care of him during the day). Until my son learns better social understanding or until I can let go of some of the responsibility I feel about him, nothing much is going to change.
Friday, March 18, 2011
Monday, March 7, 2011
I See Autism
Do you remember the catch phrase from the movie "The Sixth Sense": I see dead people?
Well, I see Autism.
I realized this weekend while watching "Pride and Prejudice" that an argument could be made that Mr. Darcy is autistic. Sure, a lot of his actions can be attributed to pride and/or prejudice (hence the title), but sometimes I wonder...
When he proposed to Lizzy, he jumped right to the point and told her straight out that he loved her. He then proceeded to tell her every reason why he SHOULDN'T love her. Isn't that every girl's dream proposal? But he admits the reason himself: "...disguise of every sort is my abhorrence. Nor am I ashamed of the feelings I related. They were natural and just." Do you know that autistic people have a hard time telling lies? Lying is just another social norm that they would have to learn. Social norms are taught to autistic people - don't hit, be quiet in the library, ask for something instead of crying and whining. I don't really see myself teaching my son how to lie. It just isn't a social norm that is high on my list of things I want to teach my son. It doesn't even strike me as something I want to add to the list.
So, perhaps Mr. Darcy didn't understand you aren't supposed to tell the girl you love all of the reasons you've been trying not to love her. And then, when Elizabeth rejects him, he doesn't comprehend it. I'm sure in all of the stories he had read and heard, when a reputable man proposes to the girl he loves, she accepts. He just doesn't understand how she could possibly reject him. Yes, this could be a fault of his pride, but perhaps he just believed it was a social norm for a girl who receives a proposal to accept the proposal. Compare this to the rejection Elizabeth gives to Mr. Collins earlier in the story. When he initially rejects him, he begins to think of reasons why she might be rejecting him. Yes, he still expects Elizabeth to accept him, but he can see some "social norms" that might be causing Elizabeth's rejection. Teaching someone with autism about "social norms" can be difficult at times because not all circumstances have the same outcome. You can't just tell them not to hit people because then they won't understand when some people hit him. You have to teach him not to hit people and then teach him what he needs to do when someone hits him. And even that isn't easy. Perhaps he is hit while he's on the playground. He needs to know to go to his teacher. Perhaps Lizzy hits him. He needs to go to a parent. Perhaps he gets hit in Primary. He needs to know to go to his teacher. Right now, I have to break it down into those specifics because he doesn't understand generalities like "tell an adult". And then there is the fun of trying to teach him to understand the difference between being hit on purpose and being hit on purpose. When Lizzy comes around a corner and runs into him, it was an accident, but Darin sees it as being on purpose. There are just so many outcomes to try to teach and learn from. Perhaps Mr. Darcy didn't realize the girl doesn't always accept proposals.
But perhaps the glowing neon sign of Mr. Darcy's autism occurs a little earlier in the story. Elizabeth is talking to Mr. Darcy's cousin Colonel Fitzwilliam about how Mr. Darcy didn't make a really good impression when he came into the country. She tells Colonel Fitzwilliam that Mr. Darcy hardly danced with anyone at a ball where there were plenty of women who had to sit out because there weren't enough men for everyone to have a partner. Perhaps Mr. Darcy, even though undiagnosed, was aware of his own difficulties: "I certainly have not the talent which some possess," said Darcy, "of conversing easily with those I have never seen before. I cannot catch their tone of conversation, or appear interested in their concerns, as I often see done." There! He admits that he can't really read a room. He can't tell from a person's tone of voice how they are feeling. He doesn't know how to appear to be interested when he really isn't. He doesn't know how to put on a "social face". And he doesn't know what would be socially acceptable to talk about with people he is meeting for the first time.
At this point, Elizabeth gives Mr. Darcy the only advice for an autistic person - practice. Yes, it might be hard, but there are hard things for all of us. Elizabeth points out that she doesn't play the piano very well, but she acknowledges that is because she doesn't practice. To other people, it will come naturally, but without practice, she'll never play very well.
So, given time, Mr. Darcy is able to put on a better performance. It seems very stilted at times, as though he just just trying to remember to put one foot in front of the other, but at least he is still trying. I know Darin tries to do what he should, but I can tell there are times when he is more focused about it and trying to remember all of the steps. Some things come naturally to him now, but I know it will be a life filled with trying to remember all of the steps. And there will be times when he will need understanding when he forgets some steps. I think this happened for Mr. Darcy. When Elizabeth tells Mr. Darcy that her youngest sister has run off with the scoundrel Mr. Wickham, Darcy seems to forget that social decorum would state that he would be very attentive to Elizabeth. When he first recognizes her state of distress, he is very attentive, but when he learns the cause, he seems to forget the appearance of attentiveness. Sure, he is thinking about what he can do to remedy the situation, but he left of the "social decorum" in the meantime. And when he does leave, it seems to be very abrupt. Elizabeth could have mentally accused Mr. Darcy of being the proud arrogant person she believed him to be at the beginning of the story, but she takes the blame upon herself. She sees her own sorry state of affairs and does not blame Mr. Darcy for beginning to distance himself from her. She has come to more fully understand him, and while she may not understand that perhaps it is autism, she doesn't blame him for his loss of "social decorum".
And the course of the story taught Mr. Darcy a few things. Among them, perhaps, is that being autistic, he may not be able to correctly interpret facial expressions. Sure, Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth exchange a lovely look when Elizabeth comes to Mr. Darcy's sister's rescue at the mention of the scoundrel Mr. Wickham who had played falsely with Mr. Darcy's sister, but Mr. Darcy does not trust himself to interpret this as a complete change in Elizabeth's feelings for her. Sure, he does rush off to her the next day and perhaps may have tried to win her over again if he hadn't happened upon Elizabeth upset over her sister's actions. We'll never know what his intentions would have been had that meeting been happier. But even after he has helped Elizabeth's sister and been key in reuniting Jane and Mr. Bingley, he doesn't trust himself to be completely in Elizabeth's good graces. He does not act until he hears how Elizabeth wasn't rude about him to his own aunt. That is when he has hope. He waits for someone else's interpretation of the circumstances before he acts.
So, perhaps if Mr. Darcy had been properly diagnosed, Elizabeth would have been able to be a little less prejudiced and Mr. Darcy would have perhaps been a little less proudly aloof. But then again, if they were, there wouldn't be much of a story.
Well, I see Autism.
I realized this weekend while watching "Pride and Prejudice" that an argument could be made that Mr. Darcy is autistic. Sure, a lot of his actions can be attributed to pride and/or prejudice (hence the title), but sometimes I wonder...
When he proposed to Lizzy, he jumped right to the point and told her straight out that he loved her. He then proceeded to tell her every reason why he SHOULDN'T love her. Isn't that every girl's dream proposal? But he admits the reason himself: "...disguise of every sort is my abhorrence. Nor am I ashamed of the feelings I related. They were natural and just." Do you know that autistic people have a hard time telling lies? Lying is just another social norm that they would have to learn. Social norms are taught to autistic people - don't hit, be quiet in the library, ask for something instead of crying and whining. I don't really see myself teaching my son how to lie. It just isn't a social norm that is high on my list of things I want to teach my son. It doesn't even strike me as something I want to add to the list.
So, perhaps Mr. Darcy didn't understand you aren't supposed to tell the girl you love all of the reasons you've been trying not to love her. And then, when Elizabeth rejects him, he doesn't comprehend it. I'm sure in all of the stories he had read and heard, when a reputable man proposes to the girl he loves, she accepts. He just doesn't understand how she could possibly reject him. Yes, this could be a fault of his pride, but perhaps he just believed it was a social norm for a girl who receives a proposal to accept the proposal. Compare this to the rejection Elizabeth gives to Mr. Collins earlier in the story. When he initially rejects him, he begins to think of reasons why she might be rejecting him. Yes, he still expects Elizabeth to accept him, but he can see some "social norms" that might be causing Elizabeth's rejection. Teaching someone with autism about "social norms" can be difficult at times because not all circumstances have the same outcome. You can't just tell them not to hit people because then they won't understand when some people hit him. You have to teach him not to hit people and then teach him what he needs to do when someone hits him. And even that isn't easy. Perhaps he is hit while he's on the playground. He needs to know to go to his teacher. Perhaps Lizzy hits him. He needs to go to a parent. Perhaps he gets hit in Primary. He needs to know to go to his teacher. Right now, I have to break it down into those specifics because he doesn't understand generalities like "tell an adult". And then there is the fun of trying to teach him to understand the difference between being hit on purpose and being hit on purpose. When Lizzy comes around a corner and runs into him, it was an accident, but Darin sees it as being on purpose. There are just so many outcomes to try to teach and learn from. Perhaps Mr. Darcy didn't realize the girl doesn't always accept proposals.
But perhaps the glowing neon sign of Mr. Darcy's autism occurs a little earlier in the story. Elizabeth is talking to Mr. Darcy's cousin Colonel Fitzwilliam about how Mr. Darcy didn't make a really good impression when he came into the country. She tells Colonel Fitzwilliam that Mr. Darcy hardly danced with anyone at a ball where there were plenty of women who had to sit out because there weren't enough men for everyone to have a partner. Perhaps Mr. Darcy, even though undiagnosed, was aware of his own difficulties: "I certainly have not the talent which some possess," said Darcy, "of conversing easily with those I have never seen before. I cannot catch their tone of conversation, or appear interested in their concerns, as I often see done." There! He admits that he can't really read a room. He can't tell from a person's tone of voice how they are feeling. He doesn't know how to appear to be interested when he really isn't. He doesn't know how to put on a "social face". And he doesn't know what would be socially acceptable to talk about with people he is meeting for the first time.
At this point, Elizabeth gives Mr. Darcy the only advice for an autistic person - practice. Yes, it might be hard, but there are hard things for all of us. Elizabeth points out that she doesn't play the piano very well, but she acknowledges that is because she doesn't practice. To other people, it will come naturally, but without practice, she'll never play very well.
So, given time, Mr. Darcy is able to put on a better performance. It seems very stilted at times, as though he just just trying to remember to put one foot in front of the other, but at least he is still trying. I know Darin tries to do what he should, but I can tell there are times when he is more focused about it and trying to remember all of the steps. Some things come naturally to him now, but I know it will be a life filled with trying to remember all of the steps. And there will be times when he will need understanding when he forgets some steps. I think this happened for Mr. Darcy. When Elizabeth tells Mr. Darcy that her youngest sister has run off with the scoundrel Mr. Wickham, Darcy seems to forget that social decorum would state that he would be very attentive to Elizabeth. When he first recognizes her state of distress, he is very attentive, but when he learns the cause, he seems to forget the appearance of attentiveness. Sure, he is thinking about what he can do to remedy the situation, but he left of the "social decorum" in the meantime. And when he does leave, it seems to be very abrupt. Elizabeth could have mentally accused Mr. Darcy of being the proud arrogant person she believed him to be at the beginning of the story, but she takes the blame upon herself. She sees her own sorry state of affairs and does not blame Mr. Darcy for beginning to distance himself from her. She has come to more fully understand him, and while she may not understand that perhaps it is autism, she doesn't blame him for his loss of "social decorum".
And the course of the story taught Mr. Darcy a few things. Among them, perhaps, is that being autistic, he may not be able to correctly interpret facial expressions. Sure, Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth exchange a lovely look when Elizabeth comes to Mr. Darcy's sister's rescue at the mention of the scoundrel Mr. Wickham who had played falsely with Mr. Darcy's sister, but Mr. Darcy does not trust himself to interpret this as a complete change in Elizabeth's feelings for her. Sure, he does rush off to her the next day and perhaps may have tried to win her over again if he hadn't happened upon Elizabeth upset over her sister's actions. We'll never know what his intentions would have been had that meeting been happier. But even after he has helped Elizabeth's sister and been key in reuniting Jane and Mr. Bingley, he doesn't trust himself to be completely in Elizabeth's good graces. He does not act until he hears how Elizabeth wasn't rude about him to his own aunt. That is when he has hope. He waits for someone else's interpretation of the circumstances before he acts.
So, perhaps if Mr. Darcy had been properly diagnosed, Elizabeth would have been able to be a little less prejudiced and Mr. Darcy would have perhaps been a little less proudly aloof. But then again, if they were, there wouldn't be much of a story.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Temple Grandin
I watched a really great movie last night - Temple Grandin. It is about this woman who really overcame her Autism - and she did it at a time when Autism was really misunderstood. I was blown away when the doctor who diagnosed the Autism told the mother that the Autism was caused by a crucial time in Temple's life when her mother didn't show her enough love. I'm so glad we've gone beyond that point and realize that's a horrible untruth. I can't even imagine being that mother and being told I'm to blame for my child's condition.
There were some really good spots throughout the movie where it showed what life is sometimes like for autistic people. When someone would tell her something in a figurative sort of way, she would picture it very literally. Even phrases like "Animal Husbandry" that we take for granted, she pictured a groom and a cow wife. And when her teacher told her to picture opportunities as doors to walk through, she would literally picture doors.
It was also nice to see how Darin's autism could be worse. At least he is growing up in a time when it is more accepted and understood. At least he is comfortable making eye contact. At least he enjoys being held and hugged. At least there are glimmers of time when he seems to understand the expression of an emotion. At least he doesn't have too many environmental triggers.
And here's hoping he'll be as smart as Temple Grandin. I certainly think he is.
There were some really good spots throughout the movie where it showed what life is sometimes like for autistic people. When someone would tell her something in a figurative sort of way, she would picture it very literally. Even phrases like "Animal Husbandry" that we take for granted, she pictured a groom and a cow wife. And when her teacher told her to picture opportunities as doors to walk through, she would literally picture doors.
It was also nice to see how Darin's autism could be worse. At least he is growing up in a time when it is more accepted and understood. At least he is comfortable making eye contact. At least he enjoys being held and hugged. At least there are glimmers of time when he seems to understand the expression of an emotion. At least he doesn't have too many environmental triggers.
And here's hoping he'll be as smart as Temple Grandin. I certainly think he is.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Explaining Autism
I was watching "The Biggest Loser" last night and they kept having commericals for the TV show "Parenthood" that would be on right after "The Biggest Loser". I was bothered by the commercials because it showed some parents letting it slip to their son that he has Asperger's Syndrome, which is a form of Autism. The kid on the show appeared to be about eight years old, and Scott and I both thought it would be weird that the parents couldn't talk to their son about Asperger's because be both know we won't have a hard time talking to Darin about Autism.
I was even more irriated with the show when the first few minutes started and it was the parents trying to explain to their child about Asperger's. You would have thought they were tell their son he had cancer and was about to die. The mom was bawling, the dad was stumbling over his words and getting choked up. Really? Is having Asperger's like the end of his life? I couldn't keep watching the show, so I hope they cleared it up for the poor kid, but I think it was some horrible television.
Darin having Austism is not a travesty. I don't think Darin is going to have a horrible existence on this earth because he has Austism. Yes, he's going to have to work harder on some things, but other things will come easier to him. We all have things we have to struggle with and overcome, but having Autism is not like having cancer.
I believe Darin won't struggle with understanding his Autism when he can finally understand he does have Autism. Sure, there will be times when he won't really recognize how his Autism is making him behave, but he'll see it in retrospect. And he's inquisitive, so I'll always be open to his questions and helping him any way I can. And I won't be sobbing hysterically when I talk to him about it.
I was even more irriated with the show when the first few minutes started and it was the parents trying to explain to their child about Asperger's. You would have thought they were tell their son he had cancer and was about to die. The mom was bawling, the dad was stumbling over his words and getting choked up. Really? Is having Asperger's like the end of his life? I couldn't keep watching the show, so I hope they cleared it up for the poor kid, but I think it was some horrible television.
Darin having Austism is not a travesty. I don't think Darin is going to have a horrible existence on this earth because he has Austism. Yes, he's going to have to work harder on some things, but other things will come easier to him. We all have things we have to struggle with and overcome, but having Autism is not like having cancer.
I believe Darin won't struggle with understanding his Autism when he can finally understand he does have Autism. Sure, there will be times when he won't really recognize how his Autism is making him behave, but he'll see it in retrospect. And he's inquisitive, so I'll always be open to his questions and helping him any way I can. And I won't be sobbing hysterically when I talk to him about it.
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